Friday, October 27, 2006

Some Environmental Musings

OK. We have all heard about this global warming thing, and if you haven't you either need to come out of your coma or just die. That type of ignorance is just inexcusable. Al Gore released a "documentary" this summer titled "An Inconvenient Truth" in which he essentially portrays our doom at the hand of our own industrial ignorance resulting in global warming and then Armageddon. Funny, the Republicans said Armageddon will come when Jesus comes back. Perhaps he'll be surfing on the waves of melted glaciers drowning Manhattan. Now I haven't actually seen this movie, since I usually avoid preachy self-inflated entertainment from uncharismatic Ex-Vice-President/Presidential Candidates, but what I do know was pieced together from the random images I have seen of this film in previews.

The reason I decided to bring up this environmental forecast of our self-imposed destruction is because as I read endless tripe on internet blogs, video game websites, self-help don't kill yourself sites etc. I always run into vehement jabs at the Bush administration whether it be in the criticism of the war, No Child Left Behind, or a complete lack of interest in environmental control. Now, I am no fan of the Bush Administration. The mistakes of this presidency are glaringly obvious at the least and crushingly tragic at the most. I do not need to go into the specifics of the failings of this administration (and at least half the American public), but the environmental criticism always got to me. I grudgingly agree with some criticisms of the craptacular domestic and foreign policy set forth by W, but when it comes to the environment I can not find the "strength" to lay all the environmental woes of the Earth on the hands of the current administration.

The fact is that despite the claims of the violently angry environmentalists, the Bush Administration can only be blamed for a small portion of the fabled global warming that might be looming over the horizon. We, as a nation, have been driving gas guzzling cars and burning chemicals for a century under numerous presidential administrations. It was the American public in its need to better its life that built the industry that supposedly inflicted the nightmarish destruction of the ozone layer. People wanted the ability to go to work or somewhere on a whim, hence the car. Sure, it could have been electric, but through whatever series of events, the electric models were never pushed onto the consumers, and for whatever reason, no other automobile manufacturer seemed to care until 1996, when California imposed strict regulations that forced GM to produce electric cars if they wanted to maintain their market in the Golden State. The electric car conspiracy theories aside, Bush himself had buttkiss to do with the nation's dependence on environmentally damaging industry and transportation. Furthermore, the office of the American Presidency has little or nothing to do with the environmental policies of other nations, particularly emerging juggernauts like India and China.

And herein lies my problem with the environmental frustrations over W's apathy toward the environment. Suppose tomorrow that the Bush Administration decided to impose strict environmental controls on the nation, reducing industrial output and the number of gas-guzzlers on the road to 10% of their current value. Now also suppose, that W also decides to use the military to force anyone who will not comply. "What? You don't want to take the train." KABOOOOOM!! "Well now you have no choice since we just blew up your infernal gas powered car. By the way, in 10 days the trains won't be operating because the coal power-plants that provide electricity will be shut down. So you better get used to walking 10 miles to work everyday." In this scenario, the United States is reduced in industrial output and overall productivity. But the environment is saved, right? Wrong!

Remember those emerging behemoth nations like India and China. In 20 years, China's industrial output will equal that of 3 billion SUVs. Thats right, 3 fucking Billion. That's one SUV for every man, woman, and child in the U.S. today 10 times over. Other nations ramping up their industrial output to match and eventually overtake our own yields a new problem. Any void left by our industrial absence will be easily filled by other developing nations. Plus, China is not going to bow to some hippie American president willing to relegate his nation to throwing their feces at each other in trees. The only thing keeping the people of China from eating each others brains out of sheer hunger is the newfound power of the "Communist" government bolstered by the nation's somewhat recent advances in industry. So what will the militaristic environmentalists say about ol' China? "Let's shoot 'em all and let poor mother Earth sort 'em out!"

Of course, this leads to another paradox in the environmentalist's desire for more control of mankind's destructive impact on nature. If the U.S. goes to war over the environment with China, the ensuing nightmarish apocalyptic results will of course cause further harm to poor Mother Earth . But for advocates of strict environmental control, the ends justify the means. "Sure, the war might burn up more of the precious ozone layer, but in the end it will be worth it."And this, ultimately, is what it comes down to.

Militant environmentalists don't care about humanity. If they had their way, we'd be eating our own waste while dying at the age of 20. A war over the environment would only cause them to lament the resulting destruction on nature and not the deaths of untold men, women, and children. The only reason these enviro-nazis don't kill themselves now to help mother nature is because they need to exist in order to force their will down the throats of their brethren.

So next time you read something vilifying the Administration or even the United States for it's apathy regarding the environment, think of a prospective war with China before agreeing with it. Do the ends justify the means? I think not.

Friday, October 13, 2006

The Untouchable Books

When I was younger, I hated to read like every other red-blooded, TV-watching, god-fearing, Wal-Mart shopping American. I would get a headache just staring at the pages of a picture book with more than a few lines of text on it. Hell, sometimes in class, I would pretend to have slogged through the assigned reading while instead, I had just stared off into space imagining what it would be like to watch TV while playing video games and eating at the same time. Ok, sure I still do that from time to time. But at some point, I actually began to look at the squiggly black characters on the pages of young adult novels (and adult novels too....heh...heh....Oh screw you) and I began to use what meager brain power I have to muster the ability to decipher the hieroglyphic code. Once I realized that these archaic symbols actually meant something, my opinion on reading had changed drastically.

Now folks, as many of you know, us 'Mericans aren't into all that book learnin'. We have better things to do, like buy shit we don't need and fight pointless wars for ungrateful liberated peoples instead of bettering ourselves by making the most of our own individual potential. We don't have time for all those books, they take too long too read and besides, if they make the book into a movie we can just watch that pile of filtered Hollywood schlock. Well 'Merica, I have some news for you. We are dumb. I am going to let that sink in because I don't think you understand (partially a result of the aforementioned stupidity). We are near retarded, Forrest Gump, Whoops the Condom Broke, Intelligent Design is too a Theory levels of inconceivable ineptitude. Half the people in this country would have a hard time identifying Canada on a map, much less spell it. Obviously, due to the massive amount of debt this nation is in, we can't even balance our cursed checkbooks. ITS ADDITION AND SUBTRACTION PEOPLE. YOU LEARNED IT RIGHT AFTER "Z."

Ok, so maybe I am being harsh. Why do we as a people shy away from becoming smarter? Well, for one, it hurts. Learning is painful for most people (me included) because you have to ram information into your brain over and over again just to make it stick to that dried up husk of an organ. Two, for a long time in our public schools, being intelligent, especially through book learnin',has always had a negative stigma among the students. Intelligent kids, being the meeker in frame in most cases, are shoveled into their own isolated group. This group consists of the nerds and the dorks but, I think there is a far more apt term for this ragtag group of harder-working misfits: the Untouchables.

To clarify, Indian (Not woo-woo, the red dot) society is broken into different hierarchal levels (or was...can't remember. Damn Alzheimer's), the lowest of which being the Untouchables. This group is shunned by society and for the most part dehumanized . The fact that really strikes me about the Untouchables is that they must wipe away their foot-prints as they are walking in the dirt roads, as to not disturb the harmony of the better castes or some shit like that. So for anyone with half a brain stem, comparing the Untouchables to the nerds in public schools is valid. Nerds have to get by everyday by not disturbing their classmates while trying to succeed. They are shunned for their intelligence (mostly garnered from the demonized book-learnin') even though it gives them a better shot at success in life. Even "nerdy" girls would shun the nerdy guys if it meant a chance at pleasuring an ungrateful muscular dimwit football player in the janitor's unsavory closet (Let's face it people, it has happened). The nerdy guys have no such outlet since cheerleaders would not be caught dead touching pizza face and his wire-rimmed glasses. So here we have a completely ostracized group of young men who will never procreate until they pay a hooker for sex and the condom accidentally breaks. Nine months later the baby is left on his door-step etc. etc. Etc. and the nerd is punished once again. But I digress.

Since reading is associated with the Untouchables at a young age, the negative stigma of reading sticks with people for the rest of their lives despite advice from teachers and Reading Rainbow. Sure some of these Untouchables grow up and make enough money to buy their way into the Touchable castes and possibly even win a semi-attractive non-abusive spouse (yeah....sure). But even well into adulthood, reading is seen by many as the activity of the weird hermits destined to live out their days in a basement until they hang themselves off a bridge (Hey.........wait a sec!).

In order to exemplify the reasons many people choose not to read I compiled some examples:

"Books are boring, I'd rather watch SpongeBob while telling my parents I hate them." --whiny brat deserving a punch to the face and a couple of bruised ribs

"Books give me a headache."--someone who has never heard of Tylenol

"Shit man, I can't read a book. Coach told me only fags read books. I'm not a fag, are you?" --Future recipient of a broken leg, ruined "career" and winner of "Who wants to be a gas station attendant?"

"Oh, I don't read because Brad says I am too pretty for it. Too much reading can you give you acne, you know." --Future member of the Society of Worthless, Empty, and Unproductive Housewives who Cheat on Their Husbands and are Killed in a Fit of unbridled Rage (SWEHUHCTHKFUR).

"I am too busy, and besides, I read too much at work anyway."--- A sad broken man i.e. me in 4 weeks.

"No habla Anglais..." --The best gardener this side of the Rio Grande

"Shit man, I can't read a book. Cheney told me only terrorists read books. I'm not a terrorist, are you?"----Ok ok, I couldn't resist


By actually forcing myself to read, I used my meager brain to create whole worlds filled with characters (admittedly, many of them were 1-dimensional and all looked like movie stars). I was able to translate the ideas of one human being and turn it into something I could understand, something I could envision and almost touch. That is what reading is to me. It is not some boring chore designed to force you to waste your time so teach' can go out and have a smoke while complaining about her ex-husband, but rather, a means to flex the pathetic organ lodged between those "heary" things. I believe you apes call it a brain. Through reading, I have become prententious and standoffish. My vocabulary is obscure enough to make Joe Nailedmycousinatthehodownintheoldbarn Smith scratch his head and say "Boy, are you from Italy (Eye-tally) or somethin'?" You see, reading can enable to you be weird and unapproachable. It can make you able to put somebody off with the dry wit one could only build from years of reading sarcastic murder mysteries or dystoptic science fiction. Essentially, it can make you a jerk.........Wait. Scratch that (its true regardless). The point is folks, if more people read in this country a majority of us might actually to be able to identify whatever country we are currently blowing to bits on a map, rather than just refer to it as the "Desert that should be nuked into glass" (I'm looking in you direction Texarkansalaborgia).

So read. Don't go quietly into the slow dumb night. Become a prententious prick and make more money because of it. You want to know why Europe is supposedly so much smarter than us? It's because the whole damn continent is full of prententious pricks that read (among other things) who look at us like we are the gun-toting apes from Beneath the Planet of the ......Apes. Now, I am not saying we should be like Europe. I am saying that this is the United States and we should not give any quarter by becoming obese slow couch potatoes who put more stock in people getting hit in the junk (which is awesome by the way) than a good classic leather bound edition of War and Peace.

Monday, October 02, 2006

Lethargy...AHOY

I am tired. Very tired. Inexplicably tired. I am convinced I either have mono or I am turning into a male version of my mother. In a couple weeks, I will probably start getting hot flashes.

To exemplify my somewhat newfound yet, unwanted lethargic nature, I will recount my behavior over the past couple of days. Last Friday rolled around like any other Friday. I went to work like all the other mindless drones and stared at a computer screen, feeling drained the entire day. I expected this, I mean hey, it was Friday. I did just push my self through 4, 9 hour mindless days. So being a little lethargic come the fifth day should be expected. I get back home and instantly pass out. I lay down and enter the unconscious bliss known you normal people as sleep. After this nap, I awake only to find myself feeling even worse than before. "What the hell is wrong with me?" I questioned myself, like I often do when I am alone (i.e. 80% of time, I think this makes me clinically insane). "Well, first of all jackass, you never get enough sleep, and your mild insomnia is probably starting to kill you," I said in surly Moe-like voice, Knyuck-Knyuck. "SONOFBITCH!" I respond in a heavy Romanian accent (assuming I actually know what a Romanian accent sounds like). This insane soliliquy/insane outer monologue goes on for about 4 hours as I hobble around my cesspool of an apartment while bumping into objects (like walls) like some sort of mentally handicapped (retarded) Mr. Magoo. On average, I end up saying "SONOFBITCH" ten times a day, yielding further reason for people to avoid me.
Next thing I know, I am back in bed, probably crying myself to sleep as always, and soon find comfort in the sweet bosom of the dream realm once again.

Saturday and Sunday roll around and the same thing happens. Nothing gets done except some modest vacuuming which in turn, destroys my vacuum. Being the cheapskate I am, I know I will never buy a vacuum, since luxuries like clean floors are not valid enough to deserve the purchase of a 50 dollar appliance. I bump into more walls, cry, and realize that I have been walking around wearing week-old boxers. In response to this disgusting revelation, I just roll back into bed for a nice pre-noon nap that lasts for a solid 3 hours. Fun. Luckily, my land-lord broke the monotony by teaching me how to properly shoot a shotgun. Much to my surprise, I actually was able hit the very broad side of a very large barn. You hear that farmhouses?! You are no longer safe from my modest shooting abilities! No longer will you lord your superiority over me, as I long as I can put some buckshot into your very broad walls. Fear me, or know my wrath. HAHAHAHAHAHAHHHAHAHAHAHAH. But I digress...

The point (if any) that I am trying to make is that, a weekend of pure sleep and nigh-inactivity, resulted in me being just as lethargic, if not more today. In conclusion, I either have mono or I am officially over 50 years old and female. Since I have done nothing in years that could induce mono (Yeah it's pretty damn sad. Go ahead and laugh. It's funny. And sad) the only logical conclusion a la' Sherlock Holmes is that I am at least 50 years old and female. It's official folks. I am old. Very Old. Inexplicably impossibly old. And I am going through Metapuase. Hurrah.